The following questions were in last year's GED examination.  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds. We are in serious trouble!!) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and ketchup. Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants  like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.              Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery .        Q. Name a major disease associated with cancer.  A. Premature death. Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway

for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes

down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings

the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient

through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,

you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what

you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running

behind the shrubbery.


The angel waits patiently as

the bushes rustle and giggling

ensues.After fifteen minutes,

the two return, out of breath and laughing.The angel

tells them, ‘You have fifteen minutes left, would you

care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes,

let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon

and you crap on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Awful Puns For the Educated

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash

after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession

was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond

in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the

pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,

makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his

family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss

league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll

never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted,

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically

engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed

a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds

ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the

way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to

wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he

was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across

sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of

Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and

since they already made the cases for watches, they used

them to produce compasses. The new compasses were

so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico

rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the

expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole

all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson

was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned

the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine

man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to

the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch

of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man

returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged

and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage

and found his name missing from the town register. His wife

insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized

profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin,

one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus

skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby

boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is

equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(Some of you may need help with this one).

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American

folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated

that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case

of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,

the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with

fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

A wee bit of Irish humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery" "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

AND THE BEST FOR LAST , an oldie, but a goodie.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,

"Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Interesting Inventions

This bed would be fun, I think, but it might give new meaning to the term "creaky bed springs". It strikes me as giving a sort of a water bed feeling without the possibility of a messy leak.

This may not fall into the "inventions" category, but I thought you should see what is being heralded as the next big thing for cake toppers. It is called cake jewelry. It sits on a layer of blueberries and buttercream icing balls. Yum. I am not sure what the "orb" would be used for after the reception, but it is a better keepsake than the traditional bride and groom.......no? At least it is more durable.

I love this door knob! So welcoming and friendly - but I'd hate to have to polish it as frequently as I imagine it would require.

Haven't there been times when you would have welcomed a drop-proof glass? I know I have needed them! It seems like this is a good idea in a child-size, too.

I'm not sure what country's measurements include a 95 waist (certainly not inches), but this might be a good idea. It might help keep people from over indulging, wouldn't it?

P.S. My mom would be 100 tomorrow, had she not died in 1985.

P.P.S. I got a great gift today; I found out that my daughter has a 4.0 average in nursing school!!

Quotes of Note

I know, I know......it's not a quote - BUT - it speaks volumes, doesn't it?
It came in an email and was billed as a German Mardi Gras float. Clever people, the Germans!!

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"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
Francois, duc de La Rochefoucauld, moralist(1613-1680)

*********

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

*********

I come from a people who gave the Ten Commandments to the world. Time has come to strengthen them by three additional ones, which we ought to adopt and commit ourselves to: thou shall not be a perpetrator; thou shall not be a victim; and thou shall never, but never, be a bystander.

Yehuda Bauer, professor (b. 1926)

George Carlin is at it Again (and that makes me happy)

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a ** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a ** hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a ** . And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Quotes of Note

The real measure of our wealth is how much we'd be worth if we lost all our money.

John Henry Jowett, preacher (1864-1923)

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Do not be too quick to assume your enemy is a savage just because he is your enemy. Perhaps he is your enemy because he thinks you are a savage. Or perhaps he is afraid of you because he feels that you are afraid of him. And perhaps if he believed you are capable of loving him he would no longer be your enemy.

Thomas Merton, writer (1915-1968)

Do You Need One of These?

I hope that all of you have had as good a Saturday as we have! The weather was just about as perfect as we could hope for, with sunny blue skies, no humidity and temperatures in the high 70's. The only thing I'd have liked better is a slow and steady rain, since we are in a severe drought hereabouts. It said in our paper this week that Raleigh's water supply has 120 days worth left, and after that is used, we will have to buy water from other areas. I sure hope that old man weather takes pity on us and brings a lot of rain our way this fall and winter.

Our daughters were here today; one with her husband and children, who did an act of kindness for me - they closed our pool! We had not had time to do it since mr. kenju went into the hospital, and it was getting near the time it must be done. Otherwise, leaves and acorns blow into the pool everyday and the upkeep is very tedious. Plus the water level drops everyday due to evaporation, and I had to add at least 1/2" of water to it everyday. In a drought, we need to avoid that if possible, so I am really glad it is closed for the winter.

Tomorrow, our son and his family are coming for a visit. Seeing all the children is a real boost to mr. kenju's spirits (and mine too). I did tell my son, who always raids the refrigerator, that there is more food here now than there has been in months! That is thanks to my wonderful neighbors, who keep bringing food to us. Yay!

Have a wonderful Sunday - and what is left of the weekend. I hope to get around to see some of you tonight, but right now, it is time for mr. kenju's bath and shampoo. Thanks to all of you who have commented recently about mr. kenju. Please know that we both appreciate your care and prayers, your recipes and meal planning suggestions and your presence here, whenever you can visit.

The Litle Girl and Her Dog

First, an update: there is not much to report; mr. kenju must stay in the hospital until there is a bed available in the rehab hospital (in the same building he is in now). He will have to be there from one to three weeks, depending on how well he does in therapy.

P.S. Thank you to all who have wished us well and/or are praying for us. I am so grateful for your support.

^^^^^^^^^

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Her mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!)

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Inbetweens

Some lovely person knew I needed something to post today - and so she sent me these. I know some of them are old, but they are all funny. I hope you enjoy them!

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, he wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

PLEASE, tell me how in the world doctors and nurses can keep a straight face when their patients say things like these??!!