Wednesday, March 17

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

A wee bit of Irish humor


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.


Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"


They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."


Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.


"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"


"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.


"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery" "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.


He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

AND THE BEST FOR LAST , an oldie, but a goodie.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.


The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.


Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,

"Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

14 comments:

JeanMac said...

What a riot of jokes. Thanks!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL....The Last is BEST! A HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY TO YOU AND YOURS, JUDY!!!!

spirit traveler said...

Those Irish have a way of putting things. They're a friendly, down to earth people, but if you don't put down your glass of wine to sample their whiskey upon the offer, you will be called into the street. They don't pull this on me any more because I ask for seconds. It's good stuff. My wife lost her purse in the airport in Dublin once, they had the plane wait for us 30 minutes, after which a young security officer came a running with it. He asked her to check and make sure everything was still in it. It was. Upon offering a small gesture of good will for his efforts, he asked that we donate it to our favorite charity.

Grannymar said...

Beannachtaí na féile leat Judy

Your stories set me up for the day!

Kay Dennison said...

These are all great -- and older than we are!!!!! Happy St. Paddy's, Judy!!!!!

Arkansas Patti said...

Oh gee, I adore Irish humor. Love good chuckles with my coffee, especially the negative calories they have.
Happy St Patrick's Day Judy.

Tracie said...

ROFL I'm loving these!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

LL Cool Joe said...

Happy St Patrick's Day!

tiff said...

Ah, the Irish. SO glad I'm one of them!

robin andrea said...

Those are all very funny! Thanks for the morning laugh.

Pat said...

My favourite is the Guiness one but I'm just common!

oklhdan said...

Those are priceless!

Paul Nichols said...

Real good. Funny stuff. I only posted one St. Patty's day joke at my place.

srp said...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!