Saturday, June 26

Awful Puns For the Educated

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash

after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession

was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond

in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the

pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,

makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his

family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss

league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll

never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted,

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically

engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed

a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds

ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the

way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to

wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he

was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across

sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of

Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and

since they already made the cases for watches, they used

them to produce compasses. The new compasses were

so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico

rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the

expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole

all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson

was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned

the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine

man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to

the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch

of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man

returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged

and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage

and found his name missing from the town register. His wife

insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized

profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin,

one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus

skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby

boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is

equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(Some of you may need help with this one).

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American

folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated

that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case

of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,

the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with

fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


Jay Simser said...

I am SO stealing these. Thanks.

Grannymar said...

"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Is my favourite!

Pat said...

I don't know what this says about me but # 6,7 and 10 were my favourites.
Brilliant selection.

NellJean said...

New puns! I am overjoyed. I liked them all. If I have to pick a favorite it was the Squaw of the Hypotenuse. That is all I retained of high school Geometry.

Arkansas Patti said...

What delightful groaners. Think you might have heard me on some of them.
Now to pass them on.

srp said...

I borrowed a couple of these for the Sunday School class... I think they will really like the first one..... thanks for the chuckle this morning!

Kay Dennison said...

LOL Have you been swiping things from my archives?

Beverly said...

Priceless. I love puns. These are especially good.

utenzi said...

I liked the first and last the most but some of the ones in the middle were difficult to take. ;-)

Greta said...

So so funny!

Darlene said...

Groooooan !!!!!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Corny but great fun! I so admire the people who can think these up. My mind just does not work that way and never could....Some of these are priceless, Judy!

Thanks so much for the Birthday Wishes, my dear....!