Thursday, February 22

Miscellany

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing
it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them
off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy



5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man
on base."

--Dave Barry



6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and the day before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her
parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien



9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery



10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west.'"

--Richard Jeni



11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson



12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."

--Paul Rodriguez



13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson



15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde



16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were
a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain



17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student! At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown



18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because
"Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe
I'll have another beer." (my sentiments exactly!)

-- W. C. Fields

22 comments:

Anna said...

Still laughing Judy. These are a great way to end my day...I broke my toe today and it is killing me. Now thanks to you, my tummy hurts from laughter! :)

Cravey said...

Awesome post Judy!

I love "god's way of teaching us geograph" and the pms one.


You made a great day even better.
Thanks!

Linda said...

Hilarious! Well worth the trip from Michele's (she says hello, lol!)

surcie said...

Number 5 rocks! Love that Dave Barry.

Cris said...

Hey, these are the best!

Shephard said...

Love the Paula Poundstone quote.
~S

vicki said...

Too funny. I always like Dave Barry and the one about Chicago is so true- lordy, is it cold there. Your pictures of the family reunion remind me of my father's family reunions when I was small- we had about that many to sit around long tables out in the front yard of the big white farm house in Ohio. I wish I had photos from those reunions.

utenzi said...

Surcie's dead wrong. Catch the frickin' ball. Babies bounce, don't they?

I like the other 19 though, Judy. Nice list!

Michele sent me over this time!

Ash said...

This is SO hilarious Judy!!

( i am actually laughing as i am typing this!)

mar said...

I knew the first one but it's always a good laugh. Loved the rest of the list too!!

"Ich, ruhe" means I, myself, am resting, Judy. Have a lovely friday!

Peter said...

No matter how many of these sort of things you read they are still entertaining Judy.

Bob-kat said...

A laugh is always good to end the working week on :-) I always like a quote by Oscar Wilde.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

My favorites are #16 & #19....!
Mark Twain certainly knew what he was talking about...LOL! And Mad Cow Disease and PMS...Very Very Funny!

srp said...

I will be chuckling about these for days. Love, love, love the PMS one, especially the notation that the author was unknown and presumed dead.

These remind me of a mug I got for my 40th birthday and which I kept for anyone who walked in my office to see before opening their mouths....

It said... "I'm all out of estrogen and I have a gun!"

Queen of Light and Joy said...

These are good... so good my belly hurts from laughing!
Best post EVAR!
Oh Michele sent me

Badabing said...

I luv 'em.

Jennifer said...

Brilliant! The attribution for number 19 made me snort hot coffee through my nose!

:-)

AC said...

I'm printing these off to reread, for attitude adjustment pronto.

My favorites -- the Mark Twain. That man was ahead of his time. Also the PMS one, too good.

I've got dogs just for that purpose, when nobody else will listen to me, they will and act like they like it too.

Beverly said...

Number 1 is one of my favorites, but I really like Mark Twain's comment about congress.

Blitz Krieg said...

That is hilarious. We had a beagle when I was growing up that would do that to friends of my dad, but only if they were wearing a hat.

Thanks for the comment this morning. I never looked at the big picture...the girl from high school reads the blog and I know how she hated that photo. Sometimes I forget people can't read my mind.

Raggedy said...

What a fantastic list. I had a similar list and I lost it with my computer crash. I am so glad to see them again! They are so funny. I laughed so hard at these.
Thanks for posting them.
Hugs

GC (God's Child) said...

can hardly see to post for the tears
thanks for this one!
immediately forwarding to people who need a good laugh.