1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children."
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing
it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them
off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and the day before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her
parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: "Duh."
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were
a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student! At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!'"
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because
"Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe
I'll have another beer." (my sentiments exactly!)
-- W. C. Fields