A repost from Tuesday, May 31, 2005:

How We Achieved Forty - six Years of Marriage

When people ask: "To what do you attribute your long marriage?" I usually answer "Inertia". There is more truth to that than might initially meet the eye, but it is only one of the reasons.

 

Firstly, when you agree to wed, you must believe that you are marrying a friend, with whom you can not only tolerate spending the rest of your life, but with whom you will be contented. Most of us 'think' that at the time, but a firm belief is required, in my opinion, which suggests that you have really thought about it before deciding to accept the proposal. It is desirable to have ideals in common, as well as similar thoughts on how to conduct your finances, religious preferences and raising your children. One should talk about these things beforehand. 

 

Secondly, you must be dedicated to staying married. If your idea of marriage is "Oh, well, if it doesn't work out - we'll just get a divorce", then your future will surely hold that as a prospect, if not a fact. A firm resolve to make it work is to be desired above all. 

 

Thirdly, compromise is the watchword for a successful relationship (marriage or otherwise). If one of you is so self-centered as to insist on always having things your way, the relationship is doomed to failure, or to a hellish existence if you stay together. (I can hear my husband laughing as he reads that - assuming I let him!). Remember that a marriage is seldom a 50-50 proposition. It is often 90-10, or 30-70, and the larger number will not always be on your side. Learn to live with that. 

 

Fourthly, a sense of humor is a necessity, as is a willingness to say "I am sorry" and show that you mean it. 

 

The caveat: All of the above flies out the window if you are being verbally or phyically abused. No one should stay in a relationship where there is not a true spirit of love, respect and compassion for the other person. Try counselling, or anger management if need be, but do not allow yourself to feel trapped in a marriage where you are not respected. If you have any idea that you have made a mistake in your choice of spouse, do not bring a child into the world expecting that to magically solve all your troubles, for it will only compound them. 

 

I am no expert (again, my husband is laughing!), but these are ideas that have worked for us. My husband and I were fortunate to be the children of parents who also stayed married a long time, and that certainly works in our favor. 

 

An additional note: Do not let this lead you to thinking it was all a bed of roses; I can assure you it was anything but! We had hard times, slammed doors, shouting matches (which happen nowadays too) and there were periods when due either to his work travel or a shared intractability, we hardly spoke to each other. But the initial vows we made were not forgotten, and we were still committed to each other and to the marriage. 

 

I neglected to tell you one of the more interesting aspects of it all: we met in  early January of 1964 and married in early July of 1964. We hardly knew each other, really. I don't recommend that you marry so swiftly, but since I did, I can hardly set up parameters for you, can I?

T & A

I bet THAT got your attention.....LOL.....get your mind out of the gutter!!

It stands for Tipper and Al who have, sadly, just announced their separation after many years together.

I met Tipper Gore years ago here in Raleigh, when she had just authored a new book. Part of her book tour took her into the homes of people who were active in local Democratic politics and I was invited to one of those events. She was impressive at the time; an assured, intelligent woman who had gained a measure of attention and notoriety due to her husband's standing in political circles, and was now gaining her own authority as a writer. She was personable and friendly and those of us at the event liked her immensely.

Some time later, after Al had announced his bid for the Presidency, he came to Raleigh and there was a reception in his honor at the local Democratic headquarters, to which I was also invited. One of my floral clients was a woman who was a local fundraiser for the Democratic Party, and Al always stayed at her house when he came to town, so I had done flowers for her home several times by then (not that he knew it). When mr. kenju and I were introduced to Al, I told him I had met Tipper, and I thought she was his greatest asset and urged him to feature her during his campaigning. He agreed with me, of course (what else could he say?), although I am certain he would have liked it better had I rattled off some knowledge of his qualifications and/or fine points, rather than hers.

I will say this; he was tall, fairly nice looking and much more personable and warm than he seems on TV. His TV appearances show him to be stiff and somewhat uneasy and in person he was anything but. Too bad all his campaigning couldn't have been face to face.

Over the years, Tipper and Al have seemed to be the perfect couple, so it is disconcerting now to read that they are calling it quits after forty years of marriage.

I wonder what the real story is? How can two people who have shared so much be "growing apart?"