Thursday, June 2

Worst Analogies Ever!!

(From the Washington Post contest, in which high 
 school teachers sent in the worst analogies they'd encountered in 
grading their students' papers over the years.)

 1.  Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the 
 2.  He was as tall as a 6' 3" tree.
 3.  Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two 
 sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4.  From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an 
 eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city 
 and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
 5.  John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who 
 had also never met.
 6.  She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog 
 makes just before it throws up.
 7.  The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender 
 leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
 8.  He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, 
 either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping 
 on a land mine or something.
 9.  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
 10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room
 temperature Canadian beef.
 11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated 
 because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a 
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
 12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
 13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag 
 filled with vegetable soup.
 14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances 
 like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
 15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, 
 like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse 
 without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around 
 the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at 
 a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.>
 16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced 
 across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, 
 one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the 
 other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
 17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
 18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a 
 bowling ball wouldn't.
 19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
 20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when 
 you fry them in hot grease.
 21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences 
 that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
 22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was 
 the East River.
 23. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, 
 only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
 24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place 
 that hunts dogs, I suppose.
 25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
 27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.  But unlike 
 Phil, this plan just might work.
 28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not 
 eating for a while.
 29. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a 
 college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
 30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple 
 it to the wall.
 31.  It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around 
 with power tools.
32.  He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard 
 bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
 33.  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after 
 the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
 34.  Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put 
 in any pH cleanser
 35.  Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was 
 a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 
 "Second Tall Man."
 36.  The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin 
 sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a 
 37.  The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
 38.  She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that 
 used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you 
 banged the door open again.
 39.  Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, 
 40.  Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very 
 41.  They were as good friends as the people on "Friends."
 42.  Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's 
 Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from 
spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
 43.  The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson 
 Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure 
 made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee 
 hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
 44.  He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or 
 Larry, you know, the one who goes "woo woo woo."
 45.  The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747
 46.  Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in 
 mucus and then held up to catch the light.
 47.  The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a 
 fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits 
 brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all 
 the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
 48.  I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German 
 name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak 
 German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like 
 those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I 
 don't know the name for those either.
 49.  She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the 
 rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the 
 recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.
 50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
 tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
 51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one 
 had ever seen before.
 52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by 
 53. You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching 
 sides of raw beef?  Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat 
 locker he was in.
 54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating 
 electric fan set on medium.
55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an 
 inattentive phlebotomist.

 56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 
 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 
 percent black.


kenju said...

Remind me never to read a book written by any of these students!!

Tabor said...

I must disagree. There were a few in there that have potential...perhaps a Dorothy Parker bent.

Lynn said...

I like that lame duck one. :) Funny.

colleen said...

Those are so bad! But with some you can see that they are actually trying.

Pat said...

I agree with Tabor. There were some illuminating analogies.

robin andrea said...

I love a good laugh in the morning. Really funny stuff.

Celia said...

Numer 6 is disgustingly funny. I'm afraid its going to be stuck in my head all day. Very entertaining.

Kay Dennison said...

Actually, this would be funny if it didn't show how badly our educational system has fallen.

Nancy said...

These were so funny I can't stop laughing.

I liked #6 the best about the deep throaty laugh that has the same sound the dog makes just before throwing up.

You've put a spring in my step this morning!

Sparkling Red said...

I've gotta tell ya, some of these are going on my BEST analogies list! Particularly #13, #48 and #49. They are as special to me as an after school special.

Thumper said...

I think I want to write a book and use every single one of these...

LL Cool Joe said...

I loved " Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser". :D

Joy Des Jardins said...

I love a good analogy....but these really are pretty bad...but funny.

Betty said...

Actually, a few (very few) of these are pretty good, in a tongue-in-cheek way. Probably accidental.

Arkansas Patti said...

I agree that I liked some of them that were a bit graphic but quite vivid.
The rest were a hoot.

srp said...

These are very strange... do you think that if we still lived in a world where you had to type your papers by hand and therefore, if you made a small mistake on page 25 of 50 you had to type all of the pages over... if we still lived in that world, would kids take more care with their paper writing?.... Hmmmm.... No, probably not.

Ginnie said...

I wonder how many of these were written "tongue in cheek" or if the kids weren't smart enough to do that?