Paraprosdokian?

Paraprosdokian sentences are figures of speech
that use an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down
to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's
still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to
act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only
who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good
evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station
is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you
can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that
says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there
are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run
for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind
the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need
a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they
have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't
expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at
home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether
I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark
or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others
whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding
someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice
of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember
that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and
call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible
people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.