Saturday, March 1

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr.Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.""Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.1. The DNA all matches.2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"The agent replies, "Just a minute..""Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."Joe: "Really?"Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling."I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered."What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice."What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?""Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."He's still in intensive care.


Carmi said...

I'm having trouble typing this, Judy, because I can't stop laughing. Thank you for always taking the time to assemble gems that make our collective day that much brighter.

Anonymous said...

those are funny - I like the first one. Michele sent me to give you this one.

A woman had identical twins, and gave them up for adoption. One went to Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl.

Her husband responded, "Well, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."


Beverly said...

ROFL. Those are so good. I love the one about the judge giving the wife 775 dollars a month.

It is good to laugh, isn't it.

Sol said...

Oh my it hurts to try and not laugh.

Too hard.. my husband is sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up.

Thank you for the giggles.

Anonymous said...


Those are really funny ,Judy. I'm still laughing.

How about this conversation?

"Do you believe in premarital sex?"

"It's ok as long as they don't block the aisle."

Bob-kat said...

LOL! I love the uncertainty of the English language. It provides endless amusement. Thanks for providing these :)

LZ Blogger said...

Judy ~ Funny stuff here! ~ jb///

Maribeth said...

Oh these were all so good. I am sitting here laughing so hard. I read them all to my Hubby and he is also in stitches!

R. Sherman said...

Thanks for the laughs.


PI said...

Excellent! those were really chuckle worthy and made me LOL:)

Jamie Dawn said...

Oh good grief! No dental records for the rednecks is just TOO funny!!! Here in AR, I must confess that I do see an occasional tooth.


Happy Sunday!

Granny Annie said...

Once again Judy, you have found the funny ones. I will have to admit that for comments like that last one, I have not even looked at any kind of bathing suit in 40 years.

Marty said...

As usual, you have given me a smile at the end of my day!

Shephard said...

The last one made me laugh.