Sunday, January 20

Smart Alecks are Alive and Well

SMART ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the f ight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied"

SMART SMART ANSWER # 5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ANSWER # 4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stockboy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER # 3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER # 2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Two Bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She! says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never heard the shot....


Tabor said...

Well, I must say, I did like the last one the best.

Nancy said...


How about when I came home from a checkup at the Doctor and hubby asked how I made out.

I said,"The doctor told ms I'm in great shape for a woman my age"

He Said,"What did he say about that big ass of yours?"

I said,"He never mentioned your name."

Ronni Bennett said...

Not quite up to the standard of these, but years ago, when I called to speak to someone on business, the secretary said the man was not available.

I asked if I could leave word.

After a long pause, the secretary said, "Yes, which word?"

Changes in the wind said...

Nothing better than laughs and chuckles:)

Changes in the wind said...

Nothing better than laughs and chuckles:)

kenju said...

Ronni, I'm guessing she was hired for her looks, no?

~Easy said...

Hi. Michele sent me

Farrago said...

These sound a lot like the kind of smart-ass answers I give to family and friends when I'm feeling like a smart-ass. These, obviously, are of a much higher caliber, but mine are in the same vein.

Thanks for the snickers. I wouldd have preferred the Almond Joy, but thanks just the same! ;^P

Loren said...

Thanks, judy.

These helped brighten up a very rainy weekend here in the PNW

Beverly said...

I started reading these this morning but didn't have time to finish, so I'm back.

I love these, especially the ones about the turkeys not getting any bigger.

PI said...

Great fun - thank you!

Shephard said...

Some good laughs, Judy!