Wednesday, August 15

Word Play (Groaning Guaranteed)


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the black board. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you a flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France ; the result- Linoleum Blown Apart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted, 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.


Joy Des Jardins said...

What a hoot these are Judy. I love them. I'm a sucker for these kind of things. Thanks so much.

rosemary said...

No smog in LA? Naw, not gonna happen. All great!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...These are so clever Judy...Of Course, my favorite is "When the Smog lifts...." LOL!
I admire the people who's minds work like this...I mean who can create these very clever "sayings"....!

Inanna said...

*Groan* But too good to pass up reading.

'B' said...

Oh Judy, these are terrible, in a good kinda way... Where do you get them??

I know, how long do you sit at the PC looking for these ... ? lol lol lol...

Here from Michele's this afternoon...

Marty: said...

These are great!

Maya's Granny said...

I love puns! They are the sign of a nimble mind. Even though people groan at them, they take an advanced level of language.

I think it would be fun to open a dental office/manicure shop and call it "The Tooth & Nail."

My son-in-law says he's going to open an Indian fast food place called "Hurry Curry."

mar said...

LOL, what a great laugh, love Santa helpers :)

Awareness said...

Loving the puns!

I'll have to share these with my kids. They'll enjoy them too

joared said...

Thanks for the groan warning, but they are fun! ;-)

gautami tripathy said...

Michele sent me here to have a good laogh..:D

gautami tripathy said...


Duke_of_Earle said...

Heard most of them already, but laughed at all of them!

Did you hear about the French golfer who never took higher than a 9 on a hole, no matter how many strokes he actually made? When asked about it, he said in his heavy accent, "What I'm writing down is a neuf. And a neuf is a neuf!"

Jean said...

The late Ted Brandeis of LA, had a bumper sticker that said, 'Smuck the Fog."

A Korean physician told me once that humor didn't translate. I'm glad these are in a language I comprehend.

Badabing said...

LMAO...I love those one-liner's.

And did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

TLP said...

Great quickies. Loved'em.

aka_Monty said...

"subordinate clauses" HAHAHAHA!!

I needed a cheer-up today. :)

Hiya, Michele sent me!!

Beverly said...

Those are truly groaners, but I love every one of them. Thanks for the laughs. I love the comments too.

PI said...

My comment has gone! Love the plateau!

Fran said...

Where in the heck do you get these? They are wonderful, but my favorite is: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U C L A.

Cris said...

Wonderful!!! I love word play, and I didn't know any of these!!!

Geraldo said...

These are great!

When my brothers and I get together we always come up with some new word play, too bad they're untranslatable...
Thanks for the laughs!