Friday, April 8

These people vote, too.....

The following notes were actually typed in patients' records by NHS
medical secretaries in  Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
   only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
    very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:-     Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
     she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
      airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
      directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
     sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
      as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
      was feeling better.



Looking to the Stars said...

Amen to that! This was great, I laughed thru the whole thing. Thanks :)

Tracy said...

Those are hilarious and I like them...definitely needed them today. I feel like #10 personally!
Have a great day and enjoy the beautiful day we are having!

Grannymar said...

I couldn't leave a comment earlier.... I was far too busy laughing!

srp said...

The sad thing is that these were probably dictated by a doctor and simply transcribed by the transcription staff. I always double and triple checked my path reports before releasing them for the chart.

Pat said...

What puzzles me is how they managed to decipher it. I've yet to find a doctor who writes legibly.
Doesn't half put you off a trip to the surgery.

Peruby said...

I've got tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard! These are great. My dogs think I have gone crazy.

Tabor said...

Is this a reflection on how many medical personnel have English as a second language these days?

Granny Annie said...

I kept picking a different favorite but I guess this was the ultimate winner: 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Joy Des Jardins said...

No kidding! Hilarious...but a little scary. Nice to start out my morning with a few laughs...thanks Judy.

Arkansas Patti said...

Oh those are funny. I kept having a favorite only to have the next one top it.

sage said...

Don't let the Tea Partyer's get a hold of this, they'd used it as to say that the English system of universal health care in inferior to ours.

We didn't get to Raleigh this trip, Judy. One day I'll get there or meet up with you in Pinehurst.

Sparkling Red said...

Here is one I've seen personally on an incoming referral:

"The patient has post-dramatic back pain."

Nice! It's clearly supposed to be post-traumatic, but the doctor was dictating to an inexperienced secretary. Sounds like this poor person was acting in a play and fell off the stage! ;-)

Ginnie said...

As you might know I worked for 23 years in the ER, retired in 2001.
There were definitely many admission goofs but my all-time favorite was when the front desk secretary admitted a burly looking logger in his 20's who had been injured on the job and had a head gash. She wrote: