Imagine

The Rules of Life

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill

and a laxative on the same night.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not

a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the

waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three

weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a

mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human

race has not achieved and will never achieve its full potential

that word is "Meetings"

Never lick a steak knife.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and

compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.