Monday, September 14

The Rules of Life

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not
a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human
race has not achieved and will never achieve its full potential
that word is "Meetings"

Never lick a steak knife.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


Shiny Rod said...

True word of wisdom, LMAO

Gilly said...

Love them all, especially the one about daylight saving. I HATE it when clocks go back, takes my metabolism weeks to catch up!

Arkansas Patti said...

"Eat well; stay fit; die anyway."
Loved that one but they all were funny yet seriously true. Thanks for the laugh.

Nancy said...


Really enjoy reading every one of these words of wisdom. Here is another. My Dad always said:

"Anyone who can take a pill at a water fountain deserves to get better."

Granny Annie said...

Worth sharing -- worth repeating.

Anonymous said...

Those are so funny!!!

- Raehan

Travelin'Oma said...

I just swept my kitchen with a glance. Thanks for the tip—it will save me lots of time! I look to you for the greater light. Your advice always lifts my spirits!

Blonde Goddess said...

These are all great! The first one was my favorite! HAHA

Paul Nichols said...

The last one is the best one! I was a waiter (but only for 17 years). I know those not-nice people you're talking about.

karin said...

I needed a laugh. When reading them to Eliot I couldn't get past the first half of the sleeping pill without breaking up.
Helpful hint: Fill your mouth with water at the fountain, then pop the pill in.

Chancy said...

"You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time."


A lot of truth in your post.

How can we "save" daylight? Put it in a jar. I think not. A storage room? Nope. That wouldn't work either. Save it at the Bank downtown. Uh No. The fireflies know when it is dark because that is when they turn their lights on. And NOW our esteemed US Congress is considering forcing us all to buy those hideous swirly light bulbs that are dangerous when broken and filled with mecury. Gosh. I get so tired of all the dumb changes.

Get a grip world. ;)

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

These are ALL wonderful! You always have the BEST 'sayings' on your blog Judy...or in this case...Thoughts Of Wisdom To Live!

BTW: I told Betty how Mr. Kenju is so crazy about her--she LOVED it!
It just occurred to me...Would he like to have a signed picture to him, by her? I know she would be happy to do it! Let me know.