Thursday, July 30

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. (Oldies but goodies!)

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him..." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


Debi said...

Thanks for sharing these, I needed a good laugh today.

Arkansas Patti said...

I adore Churchill. The man was brilliant and a wit. Just not sure I would want to be the subject of his barbs. Think he could draw blood. Thanks for some rainy day fun.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I've always wished I could come up with snappy comebacks in an instant. Instead, I'll think of one days later... LOL.

Shiny Rod said...

Excellent and witty my dear, I loved it and I'm still LMAO! Groucho has always been one of my favorites when it came to sharp wit. One of my favorites "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." Oh, so true...

Tabor said...

It is certainly nice to know that mankind at one time was pretty smart.

Darlene said...

I love these insults and have one of my favorite one's to add. I man once asked Disraeli the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe. To which he replied, "If Gladstone fell into a pond that would be a disaster, but if someone pulled him out it would be a catastrophe.

(Since my memory is faulty I may have reversed the men. Please correct me if I got it wrong, but it's the quote I love; not who said it.)

PI said...

Some goodies there but I would say to Faulkner - that isn't an insult in my book. Yay for Hemmers.

John said...

All great famous quotes, but Mark Twain is my very favorite!

oklhdan said...

Oh how I wish I could come up with lines like these. Priceless....

srp said...

I have always liked the one... "he is a legend in his own mind.", but have no idea who said it. These are wonderful!

Maria said...

What wit! The comebacks were so great. Why can't I think of clever quips when I need them. I alwasys think of them two minutes too late.

Anonymous said...

My favorite is "delusions of adequacy". I may need to adopt that one...

Grannymar said...

A few good ones there to make me smile.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL....These are So So GOOD, Judy!
There is a famous story about Andrew Lloyd Webber and Alan J. Lerner(My Fair Lady)...Webber asked Lerner.."Why does everybody hate me before they even really know me?" Lerner answered: "Because it saves so much time Andrew...!"