Saturday, January 24

Robins + And then the Fight Started..... +



Robins, especially big fat ones like these, are not something I expect to see here in January, but a family of five lit on my deck yesterday morning, looking for water no doubt. Unfortunately, the birdbath and the water atop the pool cover were frozen solid at 8:00 am. Had I had time, I might have taken some fresh water out to them, but I was on the way out. By the afternoon, the temps had slid up to almost 60*, so I think the birds could drink their fill by then. I hope so.


********


Oldies but goodies!


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

--------------------- --------- ---


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes, I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

My wife said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---


My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Well! Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ---

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95
. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- ---

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ---

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at
3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap, That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

----------- - --------- --------- ---

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, got the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'


And then the fight started ....

------------ --------- --------- ---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....

----------- - --------- --------- ---

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


*******


Yesterday morning, I left home early to get some lab work done in preparation for a doctor's appointment next week. When I left the lab, I hightailed it to the nearest McDonald's for breakfast, seeing as how I hadn't eaten since midnight. I was ravenous, but I also needed to void. So I went to the bathroom, and on entering, I realized it was the coldest darn bathroom I'd ever been in, except an outhouse in winter, on my great-grandparent's farm. If I'd had to stay in there much longer, I'd have sued them for frostbite on the exposed parts. Can you imagine the courtroom hullaballoo if they asked to see the evidence?? LOL

18 comments:

JeanMac said...

A frosty bathroom, that's tough. Thanks for all the laughs.

bobbie said...

Lots of good ones, Judy. I enjoyed them all.

Mr. Althouse said...

Ba da bump! Good ones. Reminds me of the late, great Rodney Dangerfield. Hope you have a fabulous weekend, Judy.

Tanya sent me this time, but I'm no stranger to these parts.

Mike

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oldies but Goodies...!
LOVE that The Robins are in your yard already....And a whole family of them, too!

I would hate to have to use a bathroom like you described...! I am not partial to "cold" to begin with.....So, that would be rather impossible...!

Tabor said...

Some I heard and some not. Stay warm.

Arkansas Patti said...

Great way to start the morning. Loved the running husband.

Beverly said...

What a way to start my morning with a good laugh. I love those "and then the fight started."

I used to hate to go to my grandparents' housse when it was cold because they had a two-seater down the path. Even in north Florida, it was COLD.

Poor robins, I hope they found water.

agingreluctantly said...

Thank you for making the wife and I chuckle this morning :)

Harold

Joy Des Jardins said...

I loved the "And then the fight started" jokes Judy.....great! Thanks for starting me out this morning. They reminded me of an old vaudeville comedian with his drummer rolls....

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Funny stuff! Sorry about the cold bathroom.

PI said...

I've never heard that expression 'to void' - I shall purloin itI think. Some of those are cruel- bur funny:)

Carolyn said...

So funny!!

Hubs says one of his co-workers always says everyday when he leaves work, "Well, lets go home and see what the fight's about tonite." And he's serious, LOL!

whimsical brainpan said...

LOL! Thanks for the laugh.

Sorry about the cold bathroom. I hope your private parts have thawed.

Star said...

If you won the suit McDonalds would have to put warning labels on all their toilet seats!

One Woman's Journey said...

Thanks for making me smile before I turn this thing off. Where in the world do you find these.
At least I am ending the day with a smile.

Hale McKay said...

Hopefully the judge would not have said, "I 'd say you'll get a big settlement."

-That's when another fight started.

Farrago said...

Some of those were quite funny. These were all couples-related, but they reminded me of....

I rear-ended another car this morning. We both pulled off to the side of the road, and I got out of my car. Then the other driver's door opened and the he hopped out. He was a dwarf. With all his might he slammed his car door and walked over to me. Glaring up at me he put his hands on his hips and growled, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you, then?"

And that's when the fight started.

Jamie Dawn said...

And then the fight started... those are funny!

I've been enjoying the warm, CA weather. No frozen mornings here, so those robins would be happy.
That cold bathroom sounds uncomfortable. My bohunkus would not have liked sitting on an ice cold toilet seat.

I hope Mr. Kenju had a Happy Birthday!!