Thursday, December 20

Oldies, but Goodies and a Link!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France; the result was Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Another email gem!


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Are you in the Christmas spirit? I'm not. I'm not depressed or anything like that, but this year has not been an easy one on the kenju family richter scale, and I am ready for it to be over and done! I said to a friend today that I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be January 31st already. Then the Holidays would be over, my rehearsal dinner, 2 weddings and a bridesmaid's luncheon would be finished and I could start cleaning this house and removing the ancient wallpaper from the kitchen. Once I remove it, it is anybody's guess as to what will replace it....

LOL. Just as I tire of wallpaper that's been up since 1985 - and get in the mood for paint - the design mavens tell me that wallpaper is on the way back in. That's the story of my life...a decade late and a thousand or two or three short.


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If you're in need of a laugh as much as I am (and a well-written, creative post to boot) go here,

then let me know what you thought of it. There might be some language issues for some of you, but it is too good to miss, IMO. Enjoy!



16 comments:

Mr. Althouse said...

Those are pretty good, here's a couple more:

Did you ever stop to think... and forget to start again?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?


Here's hoping 08 will be better than 07!!

Mike

Seamus said...

I have visited the goat and returned creamed! LOL!

graceunderautism said...

but if you skipped all the next 6 weeks, you'd miss the memories. Thanks for the one liners, I'll have to show them to DH later.

Michele sent me. Have a happy holidays!

Blonde Goddess said...

It's been kind of a bizarre holiday season hasn't it?
I feel better this evening so I think there is hope that at the last minute we will survive yet another Christmas and be ok....MAYBE even happy...

Diane Mandy said...

Happy holidays, Judy. Here's hoping 2008 is a happy healthy year for you and your loved ones.

Star said...

Thanks for the link Judy. That was fun! The holidays are a lot of work, but usually in the end, I think it was worth it. I wish you and Mr. Kenju, and all the "little" kenjus a very Merry Christmas.

Rose Dewy Knickers said...

Thanks for the visit. Had a good laugh at these awful puns. ;)

Not much in the mood for Christmas either.

Rose

xo

sister AE said...

Oh, my! Michele sent me this morning and I must say it took me 3 reads of the first line to "get it". Then I started making note of a few to use in my defense at work (at least 2 of the guys are huger punners). Loved the cream puff story.

I hope you get a chance to breathe soon.

sister AE
at
Having Writ

Ginnie said...

Hi Judy; I love a good play on words ... where did you find them all? I hope that 2008 will be a better year for you and your husband, but you created some wonderful things that you shared with us in 2007. You have a lot of talent. Best wishes for the Holiday...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Excellent lines! Have a super Christmas. Judy!!

Kristi said...

LOL
These are funny.
I'm not feeling it this year either, Judy. Although you've had a much tougher year than I have, so I shouldn't complain. I hope 1/31 comes quickly for you.

Carolyn said...

Judy, these were all laughs!

I also wish we could snap our fingers :)

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

That ECLAIR ACCIDENT is very funny! Thanks for that Judy....!
I am in awe of the mibds of the people who think up all those play on words things....My mind just does not work like that, at all! THAT is a true talent!

I understand your feelings about Christmas Judy...I am having some of that myself...for different reasons, but....I am still not quite 'in the spirit'....Well, that is okay....Before you can blink an eye, it will be ALL Over! (lol)
For you....January sounds like a very Heavy Duty work month...! I hope you get through it all beautifully...! And then, maybe you can rest a bit....!

rosemary said...

Loved them.....I really did need a laugh today.

Queen Elizabeth made a comment the year of the fire in Windsor Castle or the Palace...she said it in French, but it goes something like The Horrible Year Is Over. I'm counting days too.

tiff said...

I'm not sure that wallpaper put up in the 80's should EVER come back into style... but wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have th DO anything to it to be back in the fashion lead? ;)

kimbofo said...

Hilarious!!! Thank-you. I needed a good laugh.