Sunday, November 11

Dear Diary


Dear Diary, For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived a the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: "I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me" .
WEDNESDAY: Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank);

FRIDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. How ever, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.

(Another email gem)

22 comments:

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...This is Hilarious Judy...I actually thought it was you when you began....But quickly decided ut truly did not sound like you the minute Belinda began to not look quite so prettyyy. I think it was when the woman mentioned the sound of Belinda's voice that early in the A.M. LOL!

This is going to sound terrible, but I'm glad it wasn't you joining that gym with a personal trainer and everything cause I felt a slight twinge of jealousy...BUT not for long.....! LOL!

Jamie Dawn said...

This is a great one. I had never seen it before, so I'm glad you posted it.
I can relate to parts of this, especially the part about being terribly sore. I've gotten so sore before that it feels like I'm bruised all over. It's best to just NOT overdo it or push one's limits. Right?
Right.
:-)

Jamie Dawn said...

Oh, and I'm safe to land on should you fly off the treadmill again. I'm very soft... all over.
DRATS!! I better do some push ups NOW!!!!

Bob-kat said...

LOL! I think I have met Belinda before at my health club!

Thanks for the laugh :)

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Judy, I just noticed that "reading ability" thingy over on your sidebar...So I thought, 'well, I'd like to see what level readability my blog is, too...LOL! Mine is Elementary School Level....I find that sooo funny....!

Did you go to the gym today? LOL!

Beverly said...

Oh, that is so funny. Thanks. I thought it was you too, because you are in great shape!

Thanks for a good laugh.

ribbiticus said...

rotflmao! this is a good one! for a minute there, i thought this was based on true experience. was about to suggest a snarky way to get back at your trainer...hehehe. ;)

Star said...

I pulld a muscle- lauhing. I can't believe you went so many days n a row! See- we should have become fitness instructors/ models when we were youner. Except back then they all looked like Jack Lalane.

Mar said...

LOL, at the beginning I truly thought it was true, loved it!

Claude said...

For a moment, I thought you were serious! Like oldoldlady of the hills, I'm glad you were not crazy enough to join one of these things!

moon said...

I have read this one, and loved reading it again! I can relate also, as I get on my treadmill or Eliptical, 5 times a week, for 30 mins....and I HATE IT!! EVERY SINGLE SECOND! But I still do it..and feel better for it lol...and will try to continue...unless IT KILLS ME! LOL

craziequeen said...

[shrieks with laughter]

I'm with Naomi, I started out thinking this was you, Judy - I was really impressed! :-)

'I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.'

[rotflmao]

cq

craziequeen said...

[laughs again]

Just did the reading level for the Palace......

ELEMENTARY LEVEL!!

[snigger]

cq

Sara said...

Hello, Judy, Michele sent me so I could laugh my bum off...I never laughed so hard in my life. And, I needed a good laugh today...

Thank you!

Marty said...

I liked Sara's comment about laughing her bum off. I'm just going to read your posts, and skip that horrible stair master. My laughter can be my exercise.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

a weekend getting pampered would be much better. and easier.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

a weekend getting pampered would be much better. and easier.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

and redundant.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Funny - I've seen this one before, but honestly thought you were talking about you! I was thinking, "Up at 6 am, is she insane??" LOL.

goldenlucyd said...

Adorablest Kenju. You always make me laugh---And I'm sure it's not just gas. How can anybody be as real and funny as you? I'm not even going to try.
I have a preternatural,or perhaps perfectly natural appreciation for your attention to an only relatively sane senior blogger---not that you're not, you understand. But I just have this to say...

A you're Adorable: B you're so Beautiful... Ok, now you finish the rest of the song. My brain and memory are in Denver.

But you are adorable to me!

Square1 said...

ROTFLOL! See I was right. I don't want to go to a gym and this is exactly why!

I'm so glad that Michele sent me, and sorry it took me so long. My children didn't get the memo that slaves only eat once a day, and threatened to riot if I did not start cooking dinner.

Shephard said...

The diamonds comment is the best. Although for me, it would be theatre tickets. lol
~S