Sunday, October 14

"Floor, Please Open Up and Swallow Me!"


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can' t help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Mariah Carey





"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .





"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .









"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

A congressional candidate in Texas .





"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark









"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Dan Quayle









"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"

Lee Iacocca









"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.





"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .









"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

Keppel Enderbery









"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

Department of Social Service, Greenville, South Carolina









"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



You may have seen these before; the email has been making the rounds. Some of these people should have been wishing the floor would open up and swallow them!

18 comments:

tiff said...

Norman Einstein. Oh yes, this from a member of hte church I grew up in. I am so proud.

All of these are wonderful!

gautami tripathy said...

Those are priceless!

Glad Michele sent me here to have a good laugh!

November Rain said...

they are darwin award canidates really...

michelle sent me

Kristi said...

These are hilarious! You could fill a book with W quotes, and I bet someone already has!

craziequeen said...

In England we have Colemanballs - a term coined by Private Eye magazine to describe gaffes perpetrated by (usually British) sports commentators. It is derived from the surname of the now retired BBC broadcaster David Coleman and the suffix -balls, as in "to balls up".

Such as:

'Football is a game of three halves'

'He's going for the green,. If you're watching in black and white it's the one behind the pink'

Michele sent me to see how things are going, Judy. How lovely of your blogfriends to stop by and cook for you :-))

cq

michelle said...

are you freaking kidding me! wow, wow, wow

November Rain said...

michelle sent me back

Reflekshins said...

i still think Dan Quayle and Al Gore are related

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I had seen these before, as you suspected. But I read them all again because they're so funny. I just love Norman Einstein.

Nancy said...

Hi Judy,

I LOVED Norman Einstein.

Funny, but a friend of mine was taking the test to be an FBI agent many years ago.

One of the 120 questions on his admission test was; "What is Krushchev's first name?"

He could not recall the name to save his life so he called him Leonard.

Leonard Krushchev.... Well, of course that was not correct, but he passed the test anyway and as soon as he put his pencil down from the test he was on the phone for the correct answer. Nikita..

We have often laughed about that
stupid answer. He had a long and successful career in the Bureau and only recently retired after all these years.

Beverly said...

Thoseare so funny. The Mariah Carey one is very sad, though.

Seamus said...

Mmmmm...out of the mouth of fools!

Raggedy said...

Hahahaha!
Thanks
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Shephard said...

Oh, I hadn't read any of those! lol Wonderful. And scary.
~S

moon said...

Too funny..I had seen some of them before, but was a pleasure to revisit lol...simply amazing aren't they!

Diane Mandy said...

Are you for real???

Diane Mandy said...

WHat I meant to say...are these quote for real?

utenzi said...

The quotes are funny but most of them are made up. I'm sure equally insane statements are out there but those Email joke writers aren't much for research. Doesn't really matter tho--they get passed on, true or not.