Sunday, August 26

Previously Prepared Posts

I don't have any. I don't have any previously prepared posts now; I used them all. So you are stuck with whatever spills out of my head (or my emotions) tonight.


Earlier today I thought of the perfect line to start a post, but as usual, I failed to write it down and now it is floating around somewhere in the ether. Maybe it will revisit me in the future.



It may be a sign that he feels better, or that he is frustrated, or that he feels guilty - but mr. kenju was grouchy as all get out today. As vicious cycles go, this one is a doozie! He worries that his blood pressure will not stabilize in time for him to be transferred to the rehab center. When he worries, his blood pressure shoots up to the sky. The nurse gives him extra medication; it comes down. He starts to worry again, and it shoots up yet again. They have tweaked the meds, changed the meds, mixed two meds and every permutation thereof, and they still cannot get it to stabilize longer than a few hours. And when I walk into the room - all hell breaks loose.

Yesterday, I took him through a guided reverie, wherein you imagine a special place; one where you have always felt serenity and peace. He loves the beach, so we "went to the beach" and watched the quiet waves approaching the shore, we felt the warm sunshine and the white sands, we basked in the gentle breezes. It seemed to work for a while, but when I tried it again today, he yelled at me, saying he had been "going to the beach" for an hour and "look at the monitor now!"

I think my very presence reminds him that he (as he admitted to our daughter) has been an idiot for 30 years. He knew his blood pressure was high. He knew he had a few other problems. He was afraid of what they might find, and afraid they might recommend surgery - so he remained an idiot all those years. I will not say "I told you so". But he must know that I am thinking it everytime I see him. God help me.



















31 comments:

Bonnie Jacobs said...

Hello, Kenju, Michele sent me.

Mildred Garfield said...

Oh Judy, I feel so bad for what you are going through.

There were times when my husband was very sick and he would be unreasonable, upset and complain a lot which was not like him. I think part of it was because he was not in control and felt he was letting me down.

Each person is different, that's the way it was in my case.

I hope in time he will start feeling like his old self.

Take care.

Anna said...

I know it is tough. Love him well Judy...

I am thinking of him and you as all this gets figured out for the both of you. :)

Love ya!

BTW, my Dad's margarita is just the ticket! :)

Beverly said...

Hi Kenju,
I just visited your other blog, but after reading this post, I felt like saying I too try to visit the beach when they check my blood pressure. You are right, he probably does feel guilty that he did not take care of his health. Maybe on one of your visits he can revisit the times he was younger. It might open the door for him to "vent".

Mamacita (Mamacita) said...

Heaven preserve us all from a sick man!

It's not really him being so ornery, and I know you know that. But golly, when my husband's blood pressure and diabetes get bad, he turns into a really, really, really obnoxious person and I have to remind myself that the real man isn't like that.

I hope you can feel this big hug I'm sending your way, dear Judy.

vicki said...

Judy! What's all this that's happened in the short time I was away on vacation? I would say poor Mr. Kenju except I'm kinda pissed at his stubborn ass. Rather, poor you! I am a) very grateful that he has fallen into medical care even though it took that incredible blood pressure to get him there (how did he NOT die?) and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a good recovery and healthier lifestyle.

Jane is absolutely right-he's ornery with the world, but mostly himself right now and that will pass. I'm just very concerned that you are dealing with anxiety and stress at this level. You need to take yourself to the virtual beach- and perhaps when things are on the mend the REAL beach. I know of a nice one in St. Petersburg that is always available for R and R.

Hang in, hang on. I'll hold you in my prayers. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

vicki said...

I forgot the 'b' part. Really. If it comes to me I'll hop right back- in the meantime, what kind of flowers do you bring to somebody you realize how much you love when they have a brush with death and don't- but you want to smack at the same time? I know! alstroemeria or blue carnations!

Loren said...

My blood pressure is nowhere near as high as mr kenju's but I've been concerned every time I've had a physical the last two years.

I have found that mine has dropped somewhat since I started doing breathing exercises with a machine called RESP@RATE. It is just a guided breathing program, much easier than those guided reveries.

Of course, I've also been trying to watch my salt, which in itself probably has raised my blood pressure every time I see how much salt is added to foods. What crap when "heart healthy vegetarian chile" contains 45% of your daily salt in one serving.

It's definitely frustrating, but even attempting to live a healthy life style can be difficult if you're not constantly aware of what is in the food you eat.

barbie2be said...

i'm thinking of you and mr. kenju, judy! i hope things get better soon.

mar said...

Sorry you are going through rough times... Sending hugs your way and wishing you all the patience in the world...

PI said...

Darling Judy: when I said you both would need patience - it's after nursing two husbands with heart problems. They never have the nous to help themselves with meditation, yoga and such things we mere women use to keep ourselves on an even keel and it can be so very frustrating for the carer who tends to get all the grumpy behaviour directed at them.
What I have learnt is to try to keep myself calm and hopefully inspire him to do the same. Anything that gets him into a stew should be avoided and one can make choices - avoiding stressful situations - long tiring journeys - driving in traffic - you know the sort of thing. Any time you want to have a moan - you'll have a sympathetic ear here. Courage mon brave!

November Rain said...

Sorry to hear this with your hubby


Love him well because life is always to short
In time your love will help him heal I am sure

I wish you both well

November Rain said...

opps I forgot to say thxs for stopping by my blog

Sonia said...

I just dropping by to say that I hope things get better very soon! Many hugs and positive thoughts to you and Mr. Kenju! Have a good week ahead!

Nancy said...

Judy,
Be happy that Mr. Kenju's illness is one that the medical profession has a lot of experience dealing with.
My husband has High Blood Pressure and Diabetes and they have both been under control for a long time because so many other people also have these ailments.It is not some mysterious disease that has them stumped. They pretty much know what to do for the patient to bring them around to enjoying good health again.
Don't worry, they'll fix Mr. Kenju up!!!

raehan said...

Big hug to you, Judy. You both will be in my prayers.

tiff said...

Well, you COULD have told him so.

All good thoughts for you and yours as you make yet another of life's transitions! This whole "my Gosh I'm not superhuman" thing is TOUGH!

Peter said...

My Dad floored me once when from his hospital bed he said... "that heart attack," 9which was nearly fatal) "was the best thing that ever happened to me."
When I queried him on this he said, "when I came into hospital I was very sick, they have changed my medication and I now feel fine"
Its all in the attitude Judy.

goldenlucyd said...

My Dear Judy,
You and Mr. Kenju have been on my mind constantly. Our family had brunch together and after our usual prayer before eating we said a special prayer for both of you. (I can attest that prayers work for me and it's been proven.) May the Lord bless and keep both of you. We send all our love.

Beverly said...

Oh, dear Judy, you're walking such a tightrope just now. I do pray for grace for you in dealing with your husband, and I pray for him that things will get under control and he will come to his senses.

srp said...

Still keeping you all in my prayers. Men have such a hard time being sick. Women just dig in, do what is expected to get back on their feet and keep going. Pride gets in a man's way.

That blood pressure control is hard. Of course when he goes to the rehab or home, it will help some. A hospital is a really hard place to be when you are sick..

Does he like music? Perhaps a CD of soft music or some of his favorites would help him relax more.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I hope they get his meds adjusted and he's onto the road to full recovery soon. I remember when my dad was in the hospital (triple bypass) and he was such a grouse, even after he got home. I think it's a man thing.
You're still in my thoughts and prayers.

Cris said...

Hi Judy, thanks for the updates with all your posts, as I read only one thought came to my mind... Pray... Praying for him... and you too... Take care, xoxo

rennratt said...

Judy

May tomorrow be better.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Bob-kat said...

Grumpiness is usually a sign that someone is feeling better.

I do hope that he is able to break that vivious circle adn that he continues to improve. my father has hight blood pressure so I know how tricky it can be to get the meds right.

My thoughts are still with you.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oh poor dear mr. Kenju...It must be very very difficult and rather depressing, all around, Judy...I have known oy=ther people where they had to play around with the medications quite a bit before stabalizing...Is Mr. Kemju a man who needs a lot of control? If that is th case, and I understand it,being someone who needs a lot of control myself, I'm sure that makes it harder....I hope they get the proper meds anoubts soon....
Thinking of you, dear Judy....Deep Breaths, my dear! (lol)

Carmi said...

I think the same thing when I look at my father: he is where he is largely because of how he has treated himself all these years.

But of course he already knows that. And anything I say or do won't change anything. So we go on just being, making the best of what's happened and ignoring pretty much everything else.

Which is what you're doing now. Praying for you both every day. I wish I had your strength.

moon said...

I hope all our positive thoughts in your direction can help u deal with all the strain u must be under. Give u the strength to deal with your husbands moods and difficulties in a time he has no control really...Know u have many ppl who care for u...and the well being of you both. Big hugs ...chin up, bum in..this too shall pass...

rosemary said...

Of course the more stressed he is the longer it will take to stabilize him = no rehab. Judy, I take 3 meds and that is a small amount actually. Some folks need daily mulitples meds and it is high right now BP meds. You are right and told him but he needs to forget about that and also the outbursts might be a side of the stroke. Ask the doc outside of mr kenju's presence.

Claude said...

I'm thinking of you, and Mr Kenju and sending all sorts of positive thoughts your way.
It's so difficult to be patient when one is in hospital, I can't blame him.

Shephard said...

I'd say he likely knows just how lucky he is to have you by now. :)
~S