Earlier today I thought of the perfect line to start a post, but as usual, I failed to write it down and now it is floating around somewhere in the ether. Maybe it will revisit me in the future.
It may be a sign that he feels better, or that he is frustrated, or that he feels guilty - but mr. kenju was grouchy as all get out today. As vicious cycles go, this one is a doozie! He worries that his blood pressure will not stabilize in time for him to be transferred to the rehab center. When he worries, his blood pressure shoots up to the sky. The nurse gives him extra medication; it comes down. He starts to worry again, and it shoots up yet again. They have tweaked the meds, changed the meds, mixed two meds and every permutation thereof, and they still cannot get it to stabilize longer than a few hours. And when I walk into the room - all hell breaks loose.
Yesterday, I took him through a guided reverie, wherein you imagine a special place; one where you have always felt serenity and peace. He loves the beach, so we "went to the beach" and watched the quiet waves approaching the shore, we felt the warm sunshine and the white sands, we basked in the gentle breezes. It seemed to work for a while, but when I tried it again today, he yelled at me, saying he had been "going to the beach" for an hour and "look at the monitor now!"
I think my very presence reminds him that he (as he admitted to our daughter) has been an idiot for 30 years. He knew his blood pressure was high. He knew he had a few other problems. He was afraid of what they might find, and afraid they might recommend surgery - so he remained an idiot all those years. I will not say "I told you so". But he must know that I am thinking it everytime I see him. God help me.